I became a mom recently.
It is this most surreal feeling to process. its the feeling of looking out on your life thinking “this cant be real. this is too good to be true. This is overwhelmingly amazing!” I thought. You can feel that feeling from a lot of things, it could be your first foal you bred yourself. It could be the feeling of winning that barrel race or doing so damn good you heart feels like it could beat straight out of your throat. You are so ecstatic by life, it pours through you at a rate we can hardly process and believe is real.
I love when reality gives me a jolt of ecstasy.
I gave birth January 23, about 2 months before my due date on March 30. It was a lot to process the shocking speed at which I became a mom. Not just a new mom but a mom to a 30 week old, 3.5 lb little girl. Still as I write, it feels hard to believe this is my life. But it is, and I love it!
I discovered love and excitement like I hadn’t before. Not just for my new baby girl, but for my partner and also my new role in all of our new lives together. My role has changed, still I am not sure how I will navigate the new world once our baby is out of the hospital but I know it will be perfectly aligned.
Things in life seem to happen for a reason, wouldn’t you say? Maybe at the moment you don’t understand why certain things happen. Maybe you never will. But, maybe these things that are so hard to put into your brain of comprehension are there for a reason you just haven’t discovered, yet. And this undiscovered realm of thinking is an invitation for yourself to dig deeper, to understand more, to feel God and our spirits more than before. You are being brought down a path, it is your path, it’s time to love it. Even if it makes no sense, even if it feels unfair, even if you don’t understand it yet; there will be a day you will, I promise. Even if it is the last day on earth for you; you will discover your place in all of this unfolding of life. Your place is exactly where is was supposed to be. That gives a great sense of peace, love and understanding.
When things don’t go to plan, adjust your way of seeing the plan.
My plan has changed quite a lot recently. Bringing a life into the world has given me so much more than a new title, it’s given me a new sense of purpose and clarity I never experienced. Instead of doing this life for me, I am doing it for her, for my family and for my future. This is something I never had a lot of clarity around until now.
“What does my future look like? what do I want? How can I get there?” the questions went on and on as I stared ahead into a foggy unknown path of pure misdirection.
thats what I thought anyways..
until I landed here.
It all was for a reason.
The confusion.
the love.
the decision.
the path.
It was all mine, even if at the time I felt like a passenger, I was indeed the one helping steer the ship. I had help too. The suggestions of what could be. The thoughts coming into my mind from unmanifested belonging, they crept in and told me where to go. I had to believe and I also chose to believe.
I put faith in front of fear.
Instead of straining my eyes to try and see through the fog, I closed them. I took a breath in of truth, trust, and faith and I took the next step that felt the best. I continued to do so until I opened my eyes and found a baby girl in my arms and a loving partner by my side.
is it magical?
yes. it can be.
being purely you. Loving yourself and loving the direction you are going. Loving the lessons. Loving the detours you were not expecting but can surrender too as an invite to grow and evolve more. Surrendering to your path, allowing life to sway you and allowing your decisions to be the invitations to a life far greater than you thought possible.